Roller Coaster

This week has been such an emotional rollar coaster worse than when "tom" is in town. I'm just glad this week is almost over and other than feeling yucky things have gotten so much better. I am so nervouse over this weekend due to it being my first festival and I feel like my family thinks I'm dumb for trying to do this. But I like being home and able to take my son to his appointments and well if I tried to get a job around here all I could get is something that pays minum wage and less than 30hrs a week and with having a son I'd need more than that to be able to support him and me. I also think I maybe starting to like a guy I shouldn't be liking. Not because he's a bad guy in fact he seems like a great guy but because he lives over 2,000 miles away from me. So the likely hood of me seeing him anytime soon is really really slim but I'm ok waiting and trying long distance to see what happens. Idk its complicated.

IDK

Well I haven't been on here much been so busy with everything else and I guess I just need a spot to say it all tonight before going to sleep. This weekend was excellent. I got to see one of my brothers (Stuart), and meet one of his military buddies (Manny) and some other people. We had a great time. I enjoyed talking to Manny and now I sit here thinking what the hell was I thinking. Why even try when you know your not going to win the race. Between the distance and the fact that well my love life sucks balls nothing would ever happen so why start allowing myself to even think it or even give into the temptation of kissing someone who will most likely break your heart and run far far away. I've came to the conclusion that they are right in the end girls end up like their mothers. Guess I might as well get used to staying unwed and ALONE for every. I really dont want to be alone but its like all the nice guys that treat women right run far away as soon as they find out about Kris or they want some skinny blonde. I'm sorry I'm not perfect and I have no desire to be perfect. I am who I am. I just would like to meet one guy who is honest and will accept me for me but lets face it that will never happen. Thanks so much Stuart for allowing me to meet him I appriciate it so much because it did show me there are guys out there that still treat women good but lets face it I was just a fling for him and nothing more so whatever and don't tell me you wont know till you try. I don't try because I am tired of being hurt. I love both of my brothers and you both know it but there are times I wish dad was still here maybe I wouldn't be such a screw up! I'm sorry I am the worst sister ever, I try I really do but idk anymore. I don't know what a good relationship is like or even how to be in one. Hell I was with Tim for 6 years on and off and I loved him and I know no one liked him and looking back now I do understand why but the heart wants what the heart wants and you can't really control it. I'd give anything to take those 6 years back knowing what I know now but we all know I can't maybe thats why I don't take compliments very well because I'm not the girl that gets them and when I do I think they are just saying it to get something and I know thats not always the case but I know I'm not that pretty or thin or smart. I have a child and have been a single mom since he was born and most guys run. Yes I'd love the chance to get to know this guy better even though there is distance but still idk I give up I'm done for the night before I upset everyone!

LONG TIME

Wow it has been a very long time since I have wrote anything on here. I really couldn't tell you why. Maybe its just life? Who knows. This year seems to have been a very long year. Back in Jan the guy I had been seeing left I was devasted but thinking about it now maybe it was a good thing. Then at the end of April beginning of May Kris was diagnosed with PDD-NOS which is on the Autism Spectrum. However prior to the evaluation me and his therapist went around and around. I was told there was no way that he was on the spectrum that he was just being defient and that I NEED to get married and have another kid or two so Kris isn't the only child well sorry but I don't think so. Yes I have two AMAZING brothers and one sister but I did grow up as an only child due to them only being half and living many states away since our dad passed away in 85. But I was nothing like Kris is its more than defient yet every child is defient from time to time its normal but this goes beyond. He has melt downs in crowded areas. He can only be in his regular classroom for a short period of time before he gets over stimulated and has to go back to the resource room. It gets very very furstrating from time to time and having a therapist who wants to say I am in the wrong because I am an unmarried parent is bull crap! It's not that I haven't tried to find a decent guy in this messed up world. I'm to the point where I truely believe my "prince charming" got hit by a semi truck plain and simple! This last year at school for Kris was one of his best it was only 3rd grade but he made so many big achievements all thanks to his wonderful resource teacher. She is a wonderful lady. She has a therapy dog in her class her name is Daisy and Kris loves her to pieces!! I am very thankful for her. Anytime I have questions I can text her or call her. She keeps a journal that gets sent home every night from school that says what went on and weather he had a good day or not. She has even made time over the summer to meet up with him so he could see Daisy. I can honestly say she's gone way above and beyond than any other teacher I have known. She truly loves the kids in her class and most of them are like Kris maybe not the same diagnoses but still the same concept it works great for him. This year he will be in her class again (untill he finishes 5th grade) but he will also have another teacher in the 4th grade hallway but will only be with her for a couple hours in the morning in hopes later to have him in there more. One day at a time with him and one step at a time. I do have to admit some days I do want to break down because its a lot harder than I thought it ever would be. There are so many days that are a nightmare mainly because he wont go outside cause of the bugs or he wont eat something because of the texture. Buying clothes for him is a nightmare all do to the sensory disorder. I have been told many many times its not my fault that he is this way but sometimes I wonder. Did I go wrong somewhere? What did I do that could have caused all this?? I don't know maybe its just one of my bad days I give up. Well I'll try to write more another time.

countdown begins

So as of today Kris is registered for school YES!!!!!! He has 9 days remaining after today of course till School start and mommy can't wait!!! I love him but I'm telling you what when he's at school I can clean the house and organize it so much better. Had the first soap party this past Wed. It went pretty good considering only 6 people showed up all from his family of course none of my friends or family came shows who cares more! His family is really nice and they seem to have welcomed me into the family they call to talk to me more than they call to talk to him hmmmm that can't be good lol. His mom and I are going out to his sisters tomorrow to play in the weeds while him and his brother mow and other things then have dinner together. She said she was eating with the kids on facebook and i asked what kids and thats when she told me that I was included in "the kids" and that I'm one of hers now too :) made me feel good. Kris says he is ready for school to start I hope so. We put clothes in layaway yesterday for him for this winter then put some in layaway for me at gordmans today hehehe I needed some new jeans only down side is I'll have to have them hemed up lol. We are working on planning the next soap part for the second weekend of Oct. but this time it will be on a Saturday instead of in the middle of the week and see if that makes any difference. Plus this time there will be games and a raffle for 2 gift baskets. His mom won the one we had this past week she seemed to like it alot. Well I need to go work on the one I am donating to raise money for "the crossing" which is a school here in Frankfort to help those students who have a hard time in the regular classroom or end up getting sick and having to miss a lot of work. None of the students are there because of being in trouble or drugs they refuse to let them in. It's a pretty nice set up and who knows maybe by high school Kris may have to go there we will see.

It's on Tuesday

So I feel like this week is going to go slow however tonight I am not going to mind if it goes slow cuz I get to spend time with the boyfriend :) This is Kris last week of summer school then next Friday we register him for 3rd grade then they start back up Aug 16th. Starting Aug 23rd I'll be taking Tim two days a week to Lafayette for his classes so that means I'll get to see him a lil more during the week than what I have been always makes me happy. Today I need to get a few things done around the house like giving the dog a bath. Need to make dinner early today so I can take some over to Tim after I pick mom up from class. Sometimes I feel like all I get done is running or at least here lately. Oh well its all worth it in the end I think. Not a lot going on other than that around here. I have to start getting things ready for next week for the Soap party which should be interesting we will see how it work. Guess I better get off the computer and get some work done. Yippee NOT lol

Tired

Ok so it's monday night and I can't sleep even though I know I need to because 7 am comes early. Urg Oh well. Tomorrow is going to be a good day. My mom goes to Harrison College in Lafayette and the colts are going to be there tomorrow as a special for students so we are taking Tim to it. He is excited he loves the colts. I have yet to understand why but oh well it's a guy thing I guess. All I know is I get an extra day this week to see him and that makes me happy :) I hate having to wait till Saturday to see him but to be honest this week I think I would have been ok for a certain reason which I will not get into due to my brothers read this and it's a female only thing again URG. Yesterday I was in my friends wedding and let me tell you what NEVER again will I be in a wedding that is held outside in July in Indiana screw that shit it was way too hot. But other than that it was pretty good. Now just a couple more months and she'll be popping out the baby. I have registration for Kris for school Aug. 6th then school starts Aug. 16th YIPPPEE he's got this week and next week left of summer school then a little time off before regular school. I am so ready for him to go back to school all day 5 days a week makes it easier to deal with along with my moms schedual plus he'll be riding the bus unlike summer school. Then Tim starts his classes Aug. 26th he's getting excited about that and I am proud of him at least he's trying to make an effort to improve his life. I'm just kinda grateful he's getting to take his math class at the Frankfort public library instead of going to Lafayette for that class and his other two classes will be in the auto building at Ivy Tech in Lafayette which I'm ok with. I was just a little worried about him going to the main building due to the fact my good friend just got cheated on by her bf while he was going to ivy tech so that made me feel a little nervouse although I am not sure I have anything to worry about after all he did make it through my family reunion on my dads side and we are talking about going next year then driving up to MI to go fishing for a few days before heading home. But that's only a maybe right now. Well I guess I better go and try to get some sleep. Good night to all

Beginning of the week

So I had a pretty good weekend. Spent most of it with my 2 fav. guys (my son and my wonderful boyfriend). We drove up north for a little bit of the weekend went to a family reunion and stayed at a hotel that was a lot of fun. Saturday night we went out to Tim's sisters house had a few too many to drink usually I'm the sober one however that so was not the case. We had a lot of fun. I just ran Tim up to the high School to get papers he needs for Ivy Tech so he can register for classes. Tomorrow I'm going over there in the evening to hang out for awhile just the two of us I think. I enjoy spending time with him Im just a little nervouse cuz I'm afraid when he starts school he'll find someone thinner and prettier and be gone. Oh well I'm trying to stay postive. Things look so bright right now. Well I should prob go so I can make some cheesecake to take to him tomorrow and figuer out what to make for dinner tonight. Oh what fun.