Roller Coaster

This week has been such an emotional rollar coaster worse than when "tom" is in town. I'm just glad this week is almost over and other than feeling yucky things have gotten so much better. I am so nervouse over this weekend due to it being my first festival and I feel like my family thinks I'm dumb for trying to do this. But I like being home and able to take my son to his appointments and well if I tried to get a job around here all I could get is something that pays minum wage and less than 30hrs a week and with having a son I'd need more than that to be able to support him and me. I also think I maybe starting to like a guy I shouldn't be liking. Not because he's a bad guy in fact he seems like a great guy but because he lives over 2,000 miles away from me. So the likely hood of me seeing him anytime soon is really really slim but I'm ok waiting and trying long distance to see what happens. Idk its complicated.

IDK

Well I haven't been on here much been so busy with everything else and I guess I just need a spot to say it all tonight before going to sleep. This weekend was excellent. I got to see one of my brothers (Stuart), and meet one of his military buddies (Manny) and some other people. We had a great time. I enjoyed talking to Manny and now I sit here thinking what the hell was I thinking. Why even try when you know your not going to win the race. Between the distance and the fact that well my love life sucks balls nothing would ever happen so why start allowing myself to even think it or even give into the temptation of kissing someone who will most likely break your heart and run far far away. I've came to the conclusion that they are right in the end girls end up like their mothers. Guess I might as well get used to staying unwed and ALONE for every. I really dont want to be alone but its like all the nice guys that treat women right run far away as soon as they find out about Kris or they want some skinny blonde. I'm sorry I'm not perfect and I have no desire to be perfect. I am who I am. I just would like to meet one guy who is honest and will accept me for me but lets face it that will never happen. Thanks so much Stuart for allowing me to meet him I appriciate it so much because it did show me there are guys out there that still treat women good but lets face it I was just a fling for him and nothing more so whatever and don't tell me you wont know till you try. I don't try because I am tired of being hurt. I love both of my brothers and you both know it but there are times I wish dad was still here maybe I wouldn't be such a screw up! I'm sorry I am the worst sister ever, I try I really do but idk anymore. I don't know what a good relationship is like or even how to be in one. Hell I was with Tim for 6 years on and off and I loved him and I know no one liked him and looking back now I do understand why but the heart wants what the heart wants and you can't really control it. I'd give anything to take those 6 years back knowing what I know now but we all know I can't maybe thats why I don't take compliments very well because I'm not the girl that gets them and when I do I think they are just saying it to get something and I know thats not always the case but I know I'm not that pretty or thin or smart. I have a child and have been a single mom since he was born and most guys run. Yes I'd love the chance to get to know this guy better even though there is distance but still idk I give up I'm done for the night before I upset everyone!

LONG TIME

Wow it has been a very long time since I have wrote anything on here. I really couldn't tell you why. Maybe its just life? Who knows. This year seems to have been a very long year. Back in Jan the guy I had been seeing left I was devasted but thinking about it now maybe it was a good thing. Then at the end of April beginning of May Kris was diagnosed with PDD-NOS which is on the Autism Spectrum. However prior to the evaluation me and his therapist went around and around. I was told there was no way that he was on the spectrum that he was just being defient and that I NEED to get married and have another kid or two so Kris isn't the only child well sorry but I don't think so. Yes I have two AMAZING brothers and one sister but I did grow up as an only child due to them only being half and living many states away since our dad passed away in 85. But I was nothing like Kris is its more than defient yet every child is defient from time to time its normal but this goes beyond. He has melt downs in crowded areas. He can only be in his regular classroom for a short period of time before he gets over stimulated and has to go back to the resource room. It gets very very furstrating from time to time and having a therapist who wants to say I am in the wrong because I am an unmarried parent is bull crap! It's not that I haven't tried to find a decent guy in this messed up world. I'm to the point where I truely believe my "prince charming" got hit by a semi truck plain and simple! This last year at school for Kris was one of his best it was only 3rd grade but he made so many big achievements all thanks to his wonderful resource teacher. She is a wonderful lady. She has a therapy dog in her class her name is Daisy and Kris loves her to pieces!! I am very thankful for her. Anytime I have questions I can text her or call her. She keeps a journal that gets sent home every night from school that says what went on and weather he had a good day or not. She has even made time over the summer to meet up with him so he could see Daisy. I can honestly say she's gone way above and beyond than any other teacher I have known. She truly loves the kids in her class and most of them are like Kris maybe not the same diagnoses but still the same concept it works great for him. This year he will be in her class again (untill he finishes 5th grade) but he will also have another teacher in the 4th grade hallway but will only be with her for a couple hours in the morning in hopes later to have him in there more. One day at a time with him and one step at a time. I do have to admit some days I do want to break down because its a lot harder than I thought it ever would be. There are so many days that are a nightmare mainly because he wont go outside cause of the bugs or he wont eat something because of the texture. Buying clothes for him is a nightmare all do to the sensory disorder. I have been told many many times its not my fault that he is this way but sometimes I wonder. Did I go wrong somewhere? What did I do that could have caused all this?? I don't know maybe its just one of my bad days I give up. Well I'll try to write more another time.

countdown begins

So as of today Kris is registered for school YES!!!!!! He has 9 days remaining after today of course till School start and mommy can't wait!!! I love him but I'm telling you what when he's at school I can clean the house and organize it so much better. Had the first soap party this past Wed. It went pretty good considering only 6 people showed up all from his family of course none of my friends or family came shows who cares more! His family is really nice and they seem to have welcomed me into the family they call to talk to me more than they call to talk to him hmmmm that can't be good lol. His mom and I are going out to his sisters tomorrow to play in the weeds while him and his brother mow and other things then have dinner together. She said she was eating with the kids on facebook and i asked what kids and thats when she told me that I was included in "the kids" and that I'm one of hers now too :) made me feel good. Kris says he is ready for school to start I hope so. We put clothes in layaway yesterday for him for this winter then put some in layaway for me at gordmans today hehehe I needed some new jeans only down side is I'll have to have them hemed up lol. We are working on planning the next soap part for the second weekend of Oct. but this time it will be on a Saturday instead of in the middle of the week and see if that makes any difference. Plus this time there will be games and a raffle for 2 gift baskets. His mom won the one we had this past week she seemed to like it alot. Well I need to go work on the one I am donating to raise money for "the crossing" which is a school here in Frankfort to help those students who have a hard time in the regular classroom or end up getting sick and having to miss a lot of work. None of the students are there because of being in trouble or drugs they refuse to let them in. It's a pretty nice set up and who knows maybe by high school Kris may have to go there we will see.

It's on Tuesday

So I feel like this week is going to go slow however tonight I am not going to mind if it goes slow cuz I get to spend time with the boyfriend :) This is Kris last week of summer school then next Friday we register him for 3rd grade then they start back up Aug 16th. Starting Aug 23rd I'll be taking Tim two days a week to Lafayette for his classes so that means I'll get to see him a lil more during the week than what I have been always makes me happy. Today I need to get a few things done around the house like giving the dog a bath. Need to make dinner early today so I can take some over to Tim after I pick mom up from class. Sometimes I feel like all I get done is running or at least here lately. Oh well its all worth it in the end I think. Not a lot going on other than that around here. I have to start getting things ready for next week for the Soap party which should be interesting we will see how it work. Guess I better get off the computer and get some work done. Yippee NOT lol

Tired

Ok so it's monday night and I can't sleep even though I know I need to because 7 am comes early. Urg Oh well. Tomorrow is going to be a good day. My mom goes to Harrison College in Lafayette and the colts are going to be there tomorrow as a special for students so we are taking Tim to it. He is excited he loves the colts. I have yet to understand why but oh well it's a guy thing I guess. All I know is I get an extra day this week to see him and that makes me happy :) I hate having to wait till Saturday to see him but to be honest this week I think I would have been ok for a certain reason which I will not get into due to my brothers read this and it's a female only thing again URG. Yesterday I was in my friends wedding and let me tell you what NEVER again will I be in a wedding that is held outside in July in Indiana screw that shit it was way too hot. But other than that it was pretty good. Now just a couple more months and she'll be popping out the baby. I have registration for Kris for school Aug. 6th then school starts Aug. 16th YIPPPEE he's got this week and next week left of summer school then a little time off before regular school. I am so ready for him to go back to school all day 5 days a week makes it easier to deal with along with my moms schedual plus he'll be riding the bus unlike summer school. Then Tim starts his classes Aug. 26th he's getting excited about that and I am proud of him at least he's trying to make an effort to improve his life. I'm just kinda grateful he's getting to take his math class at the Frankfort public library instead of going to Lafayette for that class and his other two classes will be in the auto building at Ivy Tech in Lafayette which I'm ok with. I was just a little worried about him going to the main building due to the fact my good friend just got cheated on by her bf while he was going to ivy tech so that made me feel a little nervouse although I am not sure I have anything to worry about after all he did make it through my family reunion on my dads side and we are talking about going next year then driving up to MI to go fishing for a few days before heading home. But that's only a maybe right now. Well I guess I better go and try to get some sleep. Good night to all

Beginning of the week

So I had a pretty good weekend. Spent most of it with my 2 fav. guys (my son and my wonderful boyfriend). We drove up north for a little bit of the weekend went to a family reunion and stayed at a hotel that was a lot of fun. Saturday night we went out to Tim's sisters house had a few too many to drink usually I'm the sober one however that so was not the case. We had a lot of fun. I just ran Tim up to the high School to get papers he needs for Ivy Tech so he can register for classes. Tomorrow I'm going over there in the evening to hang out for awhile just the two of us I think. I enjoy spending time with him Im just a little nervouse cuz I'm afraid when he starts school he'll find someone thinner and prettier and be gone. Oh well I'm trying to stay postive. Things look so bright right now. Well I should prob go so I can make some cheesecake to take to him tomorrow and figuer out what to make for dinner tonight. Oh what fun.

Busy Day

Today is a busy day and yet I don't feel like doing any of it. I have to give the kid a bath and the dog today and finish some minor housework. My oldest brother and his family will be here later this afternoon plus I got to make sure the bag is packed for tomorrow. I have to pick up my friend Kali at 10 tomorrow morning cuz she is watching my puppy for me so she's not stuck in her cage overnight. Then around 11:30 I get to go pick up Tim on our way out of town to head up north. I so can't wait a night in the hotel with Tim and Kris. Kris is so excited cuz he wants to swim with Tim which is so cute he usually doesn't get attached to any guys so I'm not sure how to feel about it kinda of scared but oh well. Well I guess I should go so I can get some stuff finished.

Monday again

So today is monday and it sure does feel like a monday so much to get done and all I really wanna do is sleep. 4th of July was pretty good Kris had fun with Tim then we dropped him off with mamaw and headed to a party where Tim got a little too drunk once again. Oh well. He did however manage to make plans for a soap party to sell my bath products on Aug. 4th at 7pm at his place I was very surprised makes me think more and more that I have a wonderful boyfriend. Today makes 1 month that he's managed to hold down a real relationship and not just an on and off thing lol. However it is approaching our 5 year mark of being on and off so it works out in the long run I am sure. Kris starts summer school tomorrow and I need to get all the housework done tomorrow and Wed and have the bag packed by Thursday night. I so can't wait for our little getaway its going to be great!!! Just the three of us away from stuff here then who knows what we will do Saturday evening when we return home. Well I have some work to get done so I guess I better hope to it. Have a great week

Friday

So tonight I took Kris out to meet tim's mom and sister and one of his brother they had so much fun hopeing he'll sleep in tomorrow cuz I have a lot to get done in the morning then tomorrow night going to tims I can't wait. Kris tried to talk him into coming over tonight to spend the night but he wanted to stay with his sister and have some time with her which was cool with me. I mean don't get me wrong I would have loved to have shared by bed but that's another story. I get to see him 3 days this weekend that makes me so happy tonight, tomorrow and sunday night!!!!! If only he knew how happy I was well I guess I better get to bed since i have a busy day tomorrow good night to everyone

Way too Early

So it's almost 2am Thursday morning normally by now I'd be out like a light but no not tonight for some reason I can't get to sleep and I'm not sure why so I went and played with my soaps instead. I made some cute Star Sugar scrubs they smell like Vanilla so cute I am so proud of myself lol. I went shopping with my friend Kali Wed. it was great fun. Bought some new clothes for next weekend along with something sexy to wear Friday night of next week hehehe no one but one person will see it on me if he even gets that lucky lol. I guess he went and got a new tat Wed night don't know what it is yet he hasn't said urg stupid boys its all good I like his tats I am starting to feel a little left out however I'm the only one out of all of the people I hang out with on a regular basis that does not have any tats hmmm maybe because I feel as though I'm too fat to have one I just wish the fat would go away but not having much luck for the last 2 months I've been walking every night at least 2 hours each night and I gave up soda and only drink water even when we go out to eat and try to choose the healthier foods and nothing it's so freakin fustrating. If I'm lucky I'll lose 1 lb in a week but then turn around the next week and gain 3 lbs seriously wtf?? I'm so fustrated I dont know what to do anymore oh well. I guess I should go to bed now. Goodnight to all

Only Tuesday

Ok so I feel as though this week is going super slow YUCK!!!! Anyways tomorrow should be a really good day. Kris is going to the zoo in Lafayette with his group and mom has class from 1-3 so I'll have a quite afternoon so I can get ready for a shopping trip. I'm going to Lafayette with my friend Kali for a girls evening out we are going shopping and having girl talk :) I so can't wait we have so much to catch onto. Today Tim changed his status on Facebook from In an open relationship to in a relationship and i started to cry i don't know why i can't explain it I know it is stupid but oh well. I had changed mine Sunday after talking to his best friend and finding out the reason he put it as open to begin with was the same reason as I did we were both afraid the other would get mad lol Kinda funny if you think about it. I get to spend two wonderful nights with him this weekend I am so excited Saturday night we will be going out with this best friend and his wife then Sunday Kris and I are going over there for a cookout and to let fireworks off then mamaw is coming to pick up Kris and Tim and I will be getting drunk yipppeee haven't been drunk in awhile should be fun :) Things are looking good on the relationship end now if only the business would pick up a little I'd be feeling so much better but I'm starting to get a little stressed about it but everyone keeps telling me not to worry that it will pick up I hope they are right. Well I better get going Kris should be home soon from group and then I have to make dinner not sure what its gonna be yet oh well lol.

Tired

It's been a long but great weekend. I so can't wait till next week since I get to spend two nights with Tim :) Saturday night we ended up going up north a little past Lafayette to a bar with this best friend Gabe and his wife Cassy for a welcome home party for a solider in Gabe's unit it was a lot of fun other than the fact that I was DD which I don't normally mind because I'm not a big drinker and they are my friends and I wouldn't want them to get hurt. So this week should go back to normal due to moms classes starting back up then next weekend will be great. Saturday we are going with Gabe and his wife again but this time we are going to Kokomo to a strip club (i could careless about that but whatever) then Sunday Kris and I are going over to Tim's for a cookout (just the three of us) and then set off fireworks then mom is picking Kris up and I'm staying with Tim for the night so that makes me very happy. I love falling asleep next to him. Things are going really great. Well I think I am going to go lay back down for some reason I'm having a hard time staying awake today I think it's due to the heat

It's Saturday

So it's finally Saturday thank goodness I didn't think it would get here fast enough. I've got about 45 mins before picking up my boyfriend I can't wait. This will be the first time he's been out with Kris and I so I hope it's a good day. We are heading to Lafayette for dinner and to shop for fireworks since he's willing to set them off for Kris next Sunday. Kris is so excited he wants to sit next to Tim at dinner so I guess I don't get much of a choice silly kid. Oh well. I don't know I'm just super excited I guess today and I don't know why. I know I shouldn't make it a big deal for the simple fact that bout time I get excited he will decied this isn't what he wants. I don't know everyone keeps telling me I have nothing to worry about but after being cheated on and everything else in the past by others it's kind of hard to trust that he's not going to just up and walk away for no reason at all. Well I guess I better get going so I can get the dog ready to go into her cage while we are gone then call my mom so she knows we are on our way to Lafayette soon and stop by the store for cigs for tim to keep him happy for the evening. Hope everyone has a good weekend

Late Night Phone Call

I am so not as young as I used to be therefore I go to bed usually no later than midnight other than Saturday nights when I stay up with tim till the wee hours of the morning. Well here it is a little after 2am and I just got off the phone with his best friend whom I have yet to talk to since his ass got back from overseas so it was nice talking to him. I found out that when Tim goes over there I'm the only thing he talks to Gabe about and that he's excited and very nervouse about going to my family reunion because it does take him away from his house but i'm sure he'll be fine and the fact that Kris will be there and he hasn't been around Kris much. I am feeling so much better to know i'm not the only one worried about stuff. I worry about how Kris is going to react towards Tim and how he's going to behave in general. I really hope he's on his best behavor. This Saturday my mom is taking tim, kris and I to dinner and then we are going firework shopping so this will be the first time he's been around kris so we'll see how that goes. It's just good to know that someone else in this relationship is a little worried and nervouse. I have yet to understand why he's nervous about my family i don't care if they like him or not because to be honest I love him the only person i care if they like him is Kris and that's cuz Kris would be very involved in our life. I don't know I guess I better go back to bed.

Great Weekend

I realize this past weekend was fathers day but for me it was a good weeked. Tim took me to his cousins wedding reception (neither of us knew about it till last min.) so I met half of his family it was nice most of them were drinking. We then headed out to his sisters place with what was left of the Keg to finish the party. It was nice I was sober like always someone has to drive lol. I did mention I had a family reunion coming up in July up North and asked if he would go with I was very shocked when he said Yes that made my day then to top it off he's going as my date to my best friends wedding in July as well even though he HATES weddings. I so can tell he is trying hard to make this work. So that's about it got reservations made for the hotel i'm so excited this coming weekend Kris and I are picking Tim up so we can go firework shopping since he will be setting fireworks off for Kris for me then we are going to dinner then dropping Kris off with Mamaw so we can go back to the house and who knows what's going to go on. I have to admit I have the best boyfriend ever :)

IDK

So i dont have much to say just needed some place to get some stuff off of my chest. My best friend Kali and her boyfriend Jarrod just broke up today because he cheated on her when he was going to Ivy Tech. There is a 10 yr difference in age i know that doesn't always mean anything but idk. Anyways Tim will start going to ivy tech in the fall I am so proud of him for going but at the same time im scared. I just now got what i've been wanting for the last 5 yrs what happens if he finds someone prettier, skinner, and someone who don't have any kids. I know i shouldn't think like that and stuff but i know he could find better. I am not a super model by any means but I'm not fake like a lot of the girls around here are. I have no problems saying whats on my mind whether anyone wants to hear it or not. This is the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with and believe me I try hard not to let my doubts show around him. He makes me feel a way no one else has ever made me feel. I've been in love with him for 13 yrs since we first met but we didnt start sleeping together till 5 yrs ago and now he admitted he wanted the real relationship and I dont know what to think im happy he is mine don't get me wrong I'm thrilled in so many ways. But what happens if he decides he could do better im the one left with the broken heart and im not sure im ready to go through that. Ok now that i've gotten that out i guess i'll go lay down cuz its starting to storm here. Can't wait till tomorrow when i get to see him and be held in his arms all night then i'll be truly happy then the 4th of july he is setting fireworks off for Kris which i thought was so sweet of him.

Long day

So today has been a long day but a pretty good one. I took my son to Monkey Joes today and he had a ball. Tomorrow we are hanging out with my friend Kali then Saturday night I get to see my man I am so happy about that. I am attempting to talk him into going to my family reunion with me so I dont have to drive all the way up there alone which would be nice plus I think he needs some time away give us a chance to spend some time together and with my son of course although he is setting fireworks off for Kris for me which makes me happy that he's willing to do that. Things are getting better and he's acting like he really wants to try to make this work so that's a bonus for me. I don't after 5 years i'm not ready to give up on him even though everyone thinks I should but how can you give up on someone you love with all your heart. I think it's kinda funny that he wants to meet my brothers I'm not sure how I feel about it but this summer would be a good time to meet the oldest one but we will see well off to bed i must go so i can have a good day tomorrow and count down the hours till i'm in his arms for the night :)

First week out

Ok so this was Kris's first week out of school it went over ok I guess. Really don't remember much of the week and no it's not because I've been drinking. It's just been an odd week. We got his report card the other day 1 A 2 B's and 1 C the C is in reading which I knew would happen only because he is slightly behind everyone else mainly because he has a hard time reading outloud he seems to read the words backwards so I'm not really sure how to help him. Tonight we went and saw Marmaduke it was a pretty good movie. Saturday night I am heading over to Tim's house and so excited about it. I haven't seen him in 2 weeks it sucks but oh well I take what I get from him I guess. He's starting to change I'm not sure if I should get excited about it or not yet. Last time we were together he was talking about meeting my brothers sometime so I don't know if that's his way of saying he really wants a relationship or what I'm so lost in his thoughts sometimes. I asked him if he would give Kris the "big talk" in a few years just kinda or jokeing around (however I think it would be easier on Kris if it came from a guy) and he agreed to it a few months ago he would have just laughed at me and said keep dreaming. He had a house full of kids that night his friend brough over his kids to play some D & D and I jokeingly said "so when we gonna have a bunch of kids" his response kinda scared me he said "whenever your ready" sorry to burst his bubble but I have no plans on having anymore anytime soon just my one is enough. If I had any more it would just be 1 more that's it I don't know right now I'm taking it one day at a time with him that's all I know to do. I am however going to talk him into setting off fireworks for my son 4th of July weekend since its harder to do when you live on a busy street I'm sure I can talk him into it. Well I'm off to bed I have a busy day tomorrow

Friday

I really didn't know what to put as the title today. It's been a pretty good day. I sold 2 4oz jars of bath salts for $8.00 but got a tip so after subtracting the cost of materials i made $8.10. Needless to say I was very happy. First time something has sold if I could sell at least that much everyday I would be so thrilled. Kris had a good day at school which was good. He's up on level 3 where they want him to be. He has 3 weeks left of school he's excited. This summer looks like it is going to be a pretty busy one. I know of 3 craft fairs that me and a friend are planning on setting up together at and sharing a booth. She makes jewlry and i do the bath products. There's one here in town in July it's the 4th of July Festival we were going to do the hot dog festival but we thought it was way to expensive to set up at its $50 for the booth space and it had to be turned in before June so IDK if I could come up with money by selling some products I might go ahead and set up but I doubt it. Then in Aug there's the Old Hickory Days in Colfax and then End of Summer in Rossville that we are going to try to set up. Old Hickory Days is only $20 I still need to call about the other 2 this next week but today I got so busy doing other things and had a customer stop by to pick up his order for his wife for mother's day. It was someone I knew so I was cool with them showing up to pick it up instead of shipping it out or meeting somewhere else. His wife thinks something is going on cuz she saw a txt msg with just an address on it when she finally see's what he has been up to she'll be thrilled and I'm sure she'll email me and be ok with it all. She knows I've known him since high school and he's always been just a friend not my type. Today I did decide that I would rather be single and loney than be with someone that makes me feel loney. Come Sept. it would be 5 years of being on and off with this guy and yes I love him but he doesn't feel the same. I see him on weekends only even though we live in the same city. I just can't deal with it anymore and I shouldnt have to. I should be able to find someone who loves me for me and doesn't want just sex. Oh well I guess I will just grow old alone and enjoy it at least I can do what I want and see who I want and hang out with the girls and no one get pissy. Well Kris is going to help me make up some bath salts in morning so we can start getting things made up and see if they will sell soon.