Finally it's over

Ok So yea Christmas is finally over i know that's bad that i'm excited its over. Now this weekend it will be bye bye to the tree till next year :) Kris seemed to have a pretty good christmas. He got 3 0r 4 Bakugan books (maybe now he'll work on his reading more so he can read them haha) he got a long sleeve Bakugan Shirt he's so happy about that. a new thing to play bakugan on along with some balls. My friend Alisha got him Bakugan cards man was he ever happy which made her feel really good because her little sister hurt her feeling. She had bought her little sister a couple different things nothing major really didn't have a lot of money to spend on everyone which i understand that feeling we told her not to worry about getting Kris something but she says she can't leave her little man out but anyways when her sister opened the gifts from her she went through them like "have it" or "don't have it" then after that said "is that all" ok mind you she is a year younger than Kris. Kris has never acted like that. He takes what he gets and is very thankful for them which is good. We tricked him and had hidden all the presents and left only 1 out and told him that santa must have thought he wasn't very good this year. The only thing he did was open it and said that's ok mommy i love what he brought me i was amazed. I would have been yeah right where the hell is the rest of them lol. I got all my christmas presents early (only cuz i picked them out haha) I got the CSI game for the DS LOVE IT!!! CSI is the best:) I also got a new Blender (yes that's sad it was on my christmas list for one of those and a new vaccum how sad is that) and I got a new mp3 player (it was under $40 at best buy when we got it and its a 4GB the 2GB was about $60 hmm let me think about that one. No I don't like the actual Ipods they are way too expensive) Oh and Alisha got me a CSI book:) plus some crossword puzzle books so now i have things to keep me busy lol. I feel bad cuz Kris and I have yet to go get family pictures done in about 2 years now. Maybe we'll go the Sunday before he goes back to school. He's getting a hair cut on Sunday he just don't know it yet haha. Well i'm off to finish cleaning the kitchen I"ve been working on scrubbing the floor off and on all day lol

Later

New week

So today is a new week and last week i was cleared by the doc to go back to any routine. I also got on the pill (YAZ) i got a free sample from his office last week and today i go to pick up my prescribtion from the pharmacy can't wait to see how much that's gonna cost me. My friend got on the pill the same day (but something else) and its about $40 a month why the hell is birth control so expensive damn. I mean condoms are somewhat cheaper depending on how many times you have to buy them. But at least with birth control pill it will help regulate periods and your moods which is a good thing i think. Today i started a new diet and routine. Get up about a half hour before Kris to get a small workout done (mainly crunches belly needs to go bye bye) then after he leaves for school i'm free to get anything else done. So far today its been pretty productive. washed my bed sheets and remade the bed took a shower and did my makeup got ready to go to the store as soon as mom gets home from work which she should be soon i hope. I had a full bottle of water and two oranges this morning for breakfast which should be better than the sugar bear ceral i wanted to have. I just know i have to force myself to stay on the diet this time because i'm tired of having this damn belly since Kris was born. I feel confident today i just hope the feeling stays. tomorrows plans are to get the kitchen floor clean and mopped and maybe get the toys all picked up so i can vaccum but i kind of want to go to lafayette to workone and see what kind of jobs they have. well gotta get going so i can get some stuff done. Have a great week:)

One week later

Ok so its been a week since the miscarriage yes i'm feeling a little better. I go in tomorrow to see the doc for the follow up visit from the D&C see what he has to say and find out if i have any more restrictions and if so for how long. I am ready to start a diet and fitness plan to get rid of unwanted weight around the tummy area. It seems like since Kris was born i've been fighting with that forever ok its mainly because he was a c-section baby. My goal is to be back down to about 120 before my 26th b-day doesn't leave me much time but right now i have a lot of free time so i'm sure i can do it. Plus after the first of the year its job hunting again. There's no point in looking too hard right now because hello its winter not many people are hiring. I'm going to shoot for an office job. Maybe next summer i'll start taking some classes again and get my degree in either office administration or medical billing and coding either one seems to always be in demand and the pay is pretty good (better than working in a factory) My big goal is to not go back to Zachary's next year. i know i can do so much better than that. As far as the male population they are the least of my concern right now. If Mr. Right happens to show up then good if not oh well. Maybe he will some day but to be honest i'm not holding my breath right now its so not worth it. Kris stayed home sick today so that ruined my whole thought of going x-mas shopping for him but i still have a couple weeks before winter break. I only have a couple things left i just wanted to get it done and over with. Well i think should prob. get going and head off to bed he gets up too early and i have to pack his lunch still and take a shower in the morning before my doc. appt hope they dont want to prode and poke me YUCK!

Update

So today is the day before Thanksgiving its about 9pm here in good old Indiana. I am supposed to be resting according to doctors orders but since when do i ever listen to anyone. A lot has happened this week and I have yet to take the time to deal with any of it. Tomorrow its just mom, me and Kris sitting around house watching tv maybe Kris and I will play monolopy or something together as a family. We are just having ham because Kris says we are not allowed to eat Turkey since we ate his best friend last year (he rode home with the turkey in the backseat last year and it became his best friend kids will be kids) This week i learned that no matter if you do everything right God has his own plan and things happen for a reason. I spent most of my day Tuesday at the ER here in Frankfort and had to have a D&C (i think thats what it is called) as of about 5am yesterday morning I lost the baby. I dont know why or how. I swear i did everything right. I didnt smoke, drink or lift heavy objects I took it easy got lots of rest took my prenatals and everything. I swear if one more person hugs me and tells me it will be ok i'm going to explode. I've held it all together I have yet to break down and cry over all this because I have to be the strong one. Kris took it really hard he was so excited about having a brother or sister. I'm just scared what this mean. Am I ever going to be able to have any more kids??? I mean I dont want to do it all alone but I dont want to be 30 before I have another one. This year is almost over maybe next year will be better or at least I can hope right. Well i guess those who thought i was the black sheep of the family and a total fuck up is correct because i cant even carry a baby full term without loseing it so i hope you are all happy. With that said have a happy thanksgiving.

Update

Ok i don't get on here much to write well the internet was down for about a week between the interent company having issues and the computer wanting to be a pain in the ass. Anyways not a lot going on here these days. I got laid off on friday i knew it was coming so it was no big deal now i get to spend more time with kris and stuff. Need to go through all those damn toys and get rid of some before Christmas. I think he is mainly getting board games and games for the DS and Wii. Still waiting on medicaid to send me my paperwork so i can make my first doc. appt. Tonight on CMT they had the movie Beer for my horses It comes out on DVD On Tues. It is an awesome movie i recommend it. Not many movies here lately have kept my interest but i sat and watched all of it tonight. Kris brought home 11 3's on his report card and 10 2's the 3's stand for meeting standards and the 2's means close to meeting standards compared to last year he's doing really good. He's all excited about the baby and is always wanting to rub the belly cuz he thinks the baby can feel him right now you know how kids are. well need to get off to bed so i can get up with him and get him off to school night everyone

Urrg Men

I'M SO FED UP WITH THE MALE POPULATION. HOW THE HELL CAN YOU SIT THERE AND SAY IT CAN'T BE YOURS WHEN YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE I'VE BEEN WITH. OK YES YOU MIGHT HAVE PULLED OUT BUT HELLO ITS CALLED PRE-CUM YOU FUCKING RETARD. I SWEAR TO GOD HOW FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD CAN A GUY REALLY BE. I GUESS HE'LL FIND OUT IN 9 MONTHS THAT I'M NOT FUCKING PLAYING GAMES. I WENT ON TUESDAY TO THE DOC. TO GET A TEST TO PROVE TO MEDICAID THAT I WAS PREGO. THEY WERE ABLE TO DO A HORMONE TEST AND I'M ABOUT 2 WEEKS WHICH HELLO YOU RETARD THAT WOULD HAVE TO MAKE IT YOURS DUMBASS. SORRY NOT TRYING TO GO ON AND ON BUT HE REALLY PISSED ME OFF TODAY AND I CAN'T SAY THIS TO HIS FACE CUZ HE DONT WANT THE DRAMA AT WORK WHICH IS FINE I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT BC I DONT WANT THE DAMN DRAMA AT WORK EITHER. URRRGGGG HE WONT TALK TO ME BUT HE HAS NO PROB. TALKING TO MY FRIENDS ABOUT SHIT AND WANTING TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON BUT YET HE CAN'T PICK UP THE PHONE AND ASK ME THE ONE WHO REALLY IS CARRING THE BABY URGGG. SO I TOLD THEM NOT TO TELL HIM A DAMN THING AND THAT IF HE WANTS TO KNOW THEN HE NEEDS TO JUST CALL ME AND DEAL WITH ME OR HE CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF AND BE LEFT IN THE DARK. SORRY IF THAT MAKES ME A BITCH THEN SO BE IT.

How do I tel you

SO I HAVE FOUND SOMETHING OUT IN THE LAST 24 HOURS AND I'M NOT SURE HOW TO TELL ANYONE. CHESTER AND I DID BREAK UP ON THURSDAY NOTHIN MAJOR I GUESS HE SAID I WAS BEIN TOO BITCHY THIS PAST WEEKEND AND WELL KIND OF FOUND OUT WHY JUST NOW SURE HOW TO HANDLE IT. I REALIZED AROUND WED. SOMETHING WASN'T RIGHT I THOUGHT MAYBE IT WAS JUST PMS AND THAT'S WHY I HAD BEEN ACTING LIKE A BITCH WELL IT SOUNDED ABOUT RIGHT. CUZ IT SHOULD HAVE STARTED THURSDAY. HOWEVER IT DIDN'T I TOOK A TEST AND REALLY DON'T LIKE THE RESULTS. HE INSISTES IT CAN'T BE HIS AND WANTS TO WAIT AND SEE BUT WHATEVER TYPICAL GUY RIGHT. YES I UNDERSTAND WHERE HE IS COMING FROM CUZ I WAS SORT OF SEEIN SOMEONE ABOUT A WEEK BEFORE HIM BUT IT DIDN'T WORK OUT BECAUSE OF MANY REASONS AND WE BOTH SAID IT WOULD BE BETTER TO BE FRIENDS SO WHO KNOWS. ACCORDING TO SOME RESEARCH THAT I HAVE DONE MY BEST OVULATION TIME WOULD HAVE BEEN 9/12-9/17 WHICH WOULD PUT THE OVULATION DAY AT 9/15 WHICH IS THE DAY THINGS STARTED WITH CHESTER SO I DONT KNOW. I HAVE AN APPT ON TUESDAY AT 6PM AT A FREE PLACE HERE IN TOWN SO I DONT KNOW. I CAN'T TELL MY MOM YET NOT TILL I KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON. I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE I REALLY DON'T THINK I WANT TO. GOD I HAVE TO BE THE STUPIDEST PERSON IN THE WORLD TO ALWAYS FALL FOR THE FUCKIN LINES GUYS GIVE AND SHIT. MY BEST FRIEND IS THE ONE I TOLD FIRST AND THE ONLY THING SHE SAYS IS IT WILL BE OK ITS LIKE NO ONE UNDERSTANDS WHAT IT IS LIKE I DONT WANT TO GO THROUGH RAISING ANOTHER ONE ALONE. WHO IS GOING TO EVER WANT SOMEONE WITH TWO KIDS FROM DIFFERENT GUYS. MY FINGERS ARE CROSSED THAT THE TEST LIED BUT I HAVE A FEELING THATS NOT GOING TO BE THE CASE. CHESTER INSISTS IT CAN'T BE HIS BECAUSE WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TILL THE 15TH OF SEPT. AND ALL WEEK LONG LAST WEEK EVERY DAY AT LEAST ONCE A DAY BUT HE SAYS THERE IS NO WAY THE TEST WOULD COME BACK POSITIVE YET. I JUST WONDER WHAT HE WOULD DO IF IT TURNS OUT TO BE HIS. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW POSSIBLE IT WOULD BE FOR IT TO BE HIS RIGHT NOW. THE ONLY THING I WANT TO DO IS CRY AND I CAN'T DO THAT CUZ I CAN'T LET ANYONE KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON I HAVE TO CARRY ON LIKE THERE IS NOTHING WRONG LIKE EVERYTHING IS FINE AND THAT I'M JUST PMSING UNTIL I KNOW FOR SURE. I AM SORRY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY SORRY